Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
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Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.