Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
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who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater