Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
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Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Damn what did I do next
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.