It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.