*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
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Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Always
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.