@stockejock: Grandma, stop asking people what they're supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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@hot_coughy: When a woman says "I can't even tell you how upset I am right now" just wait 3 seconds.
@QwertyJones3: "Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?" TRUMP: I'll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we're going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
@MiddleageM: Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time... Me:It's amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you...
@k_lli: It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.