Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
This January has 47 Mondays
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?