Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
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My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
New tinder profile pic
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”