Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
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What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.