Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
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me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it