Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.