Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
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Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.