grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.