grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Lmao
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that