grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
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*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.