Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
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On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
can’t catch a break
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.