[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
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If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.