Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.