“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
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Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.