GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
You Might Also Like
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
😲 WTF? 😆
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.