I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
You Might Also Like
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
New mindset, who dis?
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling