Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
(Jupiter –
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️