Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
[Texts to 14]
Hey
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Thursday
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
going to the ER y’all need anything
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Liquor Store Parking
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.