Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
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Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.