Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Realize this:
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
finally
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here