I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
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Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.