grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
no refunds
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
first you must answer his riddles
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”