Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
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Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Is this a threat?
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Bill is short for Billiam
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math