What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.