Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
You Might Also Like
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh