Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
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[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.