My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Speak now or ever hold your peace
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake