“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.