Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.