Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
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My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
Yes, but it was never about money
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
What kind of a cult is this?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.