Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @