Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
this is funnier than any friends episode
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂