Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
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Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*