Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
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WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Yup!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
normalize having existential bread
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head