Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
nyc:
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”