Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
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Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job