Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
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*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.