Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop