@tylerschmall: Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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@stockejock: Fool me once shame on you, Unless you're speaking Spanish, then that's eleven times and I probably deserved it.
@derekblackmon: I don't mean to sound like a hypochondriac but I was diagnosed with the flu today & I feel like it's been coming on for a few years now.
@DanMentos: me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping? flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit me: oh thank god
@cepheusjackson: WIFE: Shouldn't you be at work? ME: I took care of it. BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it] Nice work today.