Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
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“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this