7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]