Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
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The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.