Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
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Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
when there are deer in the woods
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.