Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
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Seductively sings in Klingon.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
the rocks need my help
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
incredible book dedication
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
philosophical skeletons be like
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.