I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
You Might Also Like
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
This is my favorite one of these!
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Fluff me with a fork baby
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics