Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”