GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
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Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch